more talk about sex

For some reason I seem to be stumbling on some very interesting articles about (premarital) sex these days. Here is another one from Relevant Magazine where the author makes some very good points about the danger of premarital sex. An article that starts out with the wonderful statement: “Sex is awesome!”, and then it goes on to explain some of (many) reasons why sex outside of marriage is not so….awesome.

My favorite portion of the article is right here:

“Sex covers relationship flaws. No matter what you call it, that season before marriage is a really important time in your life. It is the coming together of two people in an effort to know and be known. It is a trial period, in which you are pursuing compatibility and connection in hopes of a lifelong commitment. That is some serious stuff. As exciting and exhilarating as this season can be, it’s also loaded with pressure. But you see, pressure can be a very good thing.

The best analogy I’ve heard regarding this topic is from a book by P. Roger Hillerstrom. He parallels a couple’s relationship before marriage to a steam pipe. The role of this pipe is to transport pressure. Many times, these pipes are prone to cracks and imperfections. When pressure builds, it allows these cracks and imperfections to be revealed and ultimately repaired. But when the pressure is released prematurely … the pressure doesn’t build, and the cracks are never found, nor repaired. As Hillerstrom says, “Eventually, they will corrode and destroy the pipe.”

The truth is, every relationship must go through a series of healthy pressures to discover what it’s really made of. Family of origin issues, expectations, roles, personality differences … the list goes on and on. Communication is the key to discovering and working through these pressures. As a professional counselor, I can’t stress enough the importance of building a marriage on healthy communication. The problem with sex outside of marriage is that it allows for “pressure” to be released through the avenue of the physical rather than by the foundational structure of communication.  

Problems and flaws are never discovered … until it’s too late and the damage has completely destroyed what could have been an indestructible match.”

Spot on! Read the rest of the article for yourself and see what you think.

It did hit me as I read the comments regarding this article, and the other article about premarital sex that I wrote about earlier that some people have developed some very interesting thoughts about God. Several people commenting on both articles who call themselves believers are saying that A) they don’t feel any guilt or regrets about having had sex outside of marriage, and B) their relationship with God improved after having had sex outside of marriage…! The first one I had heard before, and while I don’t believe it to be true, and it’s definitely not the cause for ANY of the many people I’ve counseled the last three years, it sounds at least a tiny bit more likely than the second statement. It is indeed a very small god that fits what they like. Sure thing, God is going to bless us with an overwhelming sense of peace, joy and love, when we directly go against his will and what the Holy Spirit who lives inside of each believer tells us brings death to us………..Hmmm…no!

Sometimes God must be at least somewhat surprised of what comes out of the mouths and keyboards of his children.

Anyway, time to eat an orange.

Blessings, Torben

2 Responses to “more talk about sex”

  1. 1 Kirsten
    January 23, 2012 at 4:17 am

    This is an old post … I just thought I would comment anyway.

    What I find quite provoking (no, let’s be honest really provoking) is that people “who identify themselves as Christians” in many places of the world apparently seem to be more concerned about “the danger of premarital sex” between two adult people than for instance incest, prostitution, trafficking, rape, sexabuse etc. and all the problems that go along: Poverty, misuse of power, abuse of children, male/female hierarchies, women’s rights etc. It just makes me go “argh!”. And God being small? Maybe. I think ones image of God is pretty tiny when one thinks that He is more concerned about premarital sex among two people than real problems (sorry). For instance: How many times is premarital sex mentioned to for instance poverty/how to treat your neighbour/outsiders in the Bible? This is not really (another) pro/con-post regarding premarital sex, is right or is it wrong etc etc. I just think this debate is so TIRESOME and really minor considering what else is going on in the world.

  2. February 2, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    @Kirsten: thanks for your comment! It’s not my picture of the worldwide church that people are more concerned about premarital sex issues than the issues you mention. In fact, I doubt there has ever been this much focus on the mentioned issues ever in the history of the church! The issue of sex outside of marriage is important and relevant exactly because it’s an issue of ‘loving your neighbor’. If I love my neighbor as myself, I want to follow what God has laid out as the best way of living for myself and my loved ones. And that includes only having sex within the covenant relationship of marriage. The issue of sex outside of marriage is not an issue of following some law and ‘doing the right thing for the sake of doing it’ which is what many believers believe and why they end up not following God’s will in this area. It’s an issue of loving myself and my partner enough to respect the boundaries that God has set up. Relationships and families are suffering because we don’t do what we know to be life-giving, but instead just do what feels right in the moment. All the other issues you mention also have to do with loving your neighbor as yourself, and are indeed very important. BUT…the reason I focus on premarital sex in a couple of blog entries is because I’ve seen the devastation that choices in these areas bring in relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen plenty of evidence of sexual abuse, rape, violence, incest, poverty etc. being destructive forces as well. And who knows, maybe I’ll write a line or two about some of those other important issues some other time.

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