Long months

It’s been two and a half months since I last wrote anything on this blog site. It’s been a very dark time. Lots of tears, confusion, questions, and very few answers. Learning about being okay without answers to all the very reasonable questions I have about life is a difficult journey.

Few people are okay without knowing. Few people dare to live in the mystery of unanswered questions. I believe that’s where real faith is fostered though. I want real faith. I want real life. I could do without this learning time, but I realize that it’s the only way to learn to live in the mystery of the moment where Christ is. If life always (or just often) made sense and could be explained, it – per definition – wouldn’t be real life. Real life with Christ can be measured out. It can’t be explained to other people. Often I can’t even explain it to myself. It doesn’t necessarily mean that life doesn’t make sense. Sometimes it does. But most often it doesn’t. Christ’s life is a life in the midst of unanswered paradoxes. Life is gained only through death is probably the biggest paradox. I know I’ll find life in the midst of this desert. That doesn’t make sense. There is no life in a real desert. But in the desert with Christ I learn to trust. Trust in him alone. Nobody else can be fully trusted. I can’t even trust myself.

I long for happy and fun days. We all do. But I know that today is all I’ve got. How will I meet God today? I pick up a book and I hope to meet with him. I listen to my heart, and in the midst of the white noise of accusations, hurts, misunderstandings, loneliness and frustrations, I recognize there is also a voice whispering: “there is hope. Spring is coming. New life is breaking free. It won’t always be like this”. I trust that voice despite not seeing any evidence of the truth of its statement.

I have nothing preachy to give to anyone these days. I have as many, if not more, questions than a lot of other people. But I KNOW that that is okay. I know that God is even doing stuff through me at this point. Even when I have no clue. Even when I just feel like running away and hiding. He is right there in me, with me, and speaking through me. God wants the unedited truth. Mine is messy. Mine is hurting. But that’s where real life is. God desires honesty from his children. And he gets it so very seldom.

I want to be honest. In fact I don’t know how to not be honest with God. It’s simply not possible for me to put on a happy, religious face and pretend that life makes sense, and if you just follow this and that principle everything will be great. I know life too well to buy into those lies. And I know that God doesn’t need me to be his PR-agent. He will be fine, and he is fine, even when I do more yelling or silent treatment in my worship of him than lifted hands and happy-clappy songs. He desires that from us. The honest cries of a breaking heart are truly better and more pleasing to him than a religious-duty-forced hallelujah.

God is good. God is love. God is in control. Those things remain true no matter what I feel and no matter what I see happening in me and around me. That’s faith. Faith in spite of circumstances. Faith when things don’t work out at all the way I want them to.

What’s going to happen with us and me in 2011? I don’t know. I can’t say I’m too optimistic, but my optimism or lack thereof doesn’t determine anything about what will happen. Will God remain good? Yes. Will I struggle with God trying to understand that his goodness is often different from what I think goodness should be? Absolutely. Will he bring laughter and happiness back in my everyday reality? Yes. I know he will. “Sorrow may last for a night (and may feel like hundreds of nights!), but joy IS coming in the morning”. That’s how it is. That’s how it’s going to be. The ball is in God’s court. I’m open for him to do the surgery deep within me that I think he wants to do. And he will heal, break down fortresses of lies, and set me free at his pace and in his way.


1 Response to “Long months”

  1. February 13, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Just know that I have you on my heart and am praying for you. I don’t know the details, but oh I know the pain of things not turning out at all like one expects. He is good and faithful, even in our complete brokenness. He is the God who redeems! As I wait patiently for the redemption of my present situation I will lift you up and pray for your steadfast and unwaivering trust in yours. Blessings. Juli

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