out of rebellion

Since today is the day where abrokencup has had more than 25,000 visits I thought it appropriate to write a couple of entries. Where to start….hmmm…these past couple of weeks have been significant in my life, and, dare I say, truly life-changing. God finally got through to me and showed me how I’ve lived in rebellion towards him and his will for my life. People who know me might read this and think: “what on earth are you talking about? You don’t live in rebellion…!”. But God knows the truth. I know the truth. And my dear wife knows the truth. And the truth is that I have lived like the prophet Jonah who was told to go to Nineveh and speak words of judgment on the city that would lead to repentance and life. But Jonah decided to try to run away from God. When that failed, you know the Sunday school story of Jonah in the whale and all, he finally did speak what God wanted him to speak. But even after seeing Nineveh’s people repent and turn to God, Jonah was pouting, angry at God and didn’t reap any of the blessings and benefits of God working through him, because he continued in his rebellion and refused to surrender to God and his plans.

That’s how I have lived. It’s been ugly. It’s been self-centered and filled with sin, mediocrity, pouting, self-pity, aggression, anger, blame…you name it. Ugly stuff. Ugly consequences of not choosing to surrender fully to what I knew and know God is doing in me. I know I’m very much still in the process of brokenness that God started in me five years ago. I know he has been wanting me to surrender more fully my personal ambitions and (ministry) goals to him and let him be more fully in control. But I refused to surrender. I decided to fight him instead. And at times simply ignore him. But he is not easily ignored, and I have made my life difficult by my rebellion.

A few weeks ago God finally broke through, and started showing me what’s been going on. I cried many tears. Tears of sorrow over seeing my sin and my mistakes and how they have stolen life from me and from people around me. A lot of nasty stuff was coming out. It was like opening up an old wound filled with bacteria. It hurt. It certainly didn’t feel good. But it was good. It was needed. And I was finally ready to choose to let God do his work of cleaning out the wounds.

I chose to surrender, and life is easier now. Nothing has changed in terms of my circumstances. Other people haven’t changed either. But I know I have. It’s an internal change that’s gonna take me to new places with Jesus. He wants to teach me to live in a closer relationship with him. He is inviting me to genuine friendship. I’m cautious about that. It’s hard for me to grasp that Jesus cares about me in a friendship-kind-of-way. But he does. And I believe that he’ll show me how that looks like as I continue to surrender to him and his ways and his plans for my life.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55: 8-9)

Here is an absolutely beautiful and truth-filled song from Selah‘s latest and excellent CD You Deliver Me. The song is called Unredeemed. Watch the video and let the truths of this song wash in over you. God’s heart is always to redeem.

Blessings, Torben

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