Doubt and trust

This week I have struggled a lot with trust. I do trust God, but this week I’ve seen different areas in my life where my trust in God and who he is is not strong, and where lies from Satan and my flesh determine what I really believe when the door is closed and I’m all alone with my thoughts. I know that God has taught me many things about who he is and who I am in him, and I know that I’ve been growing in my trust in him these past few years, but I see, once again, how many steps I still have to take. I am so grateful that God doesn’t cast me away when it’s more doubt and unbelief that I allow to run my heart than trust in him. I am so grateful that Jesus never tells anybody to take a hike when we struggle to put our trust 100% in him. 

This week’s quote is again from Frederick Buechner whom Philip Yancey quotes in Reaching For The Invisible God.

Without somehow destroying me in the process, how could God reveal himself in a way that would leave no room for doubt? If there were no room for doubt, there would be no room for me

What a deep truth. The more I learn about God, the more I see how important brutal honesty is to him. He is not interested in my religious statements of faith where I act and talk as if everything in my relationship with God is easy and straightforward. He wants the truth. The honest truth. And the truth is that all of us doubt God at some level. Some have a more straightforward, childlike faith and find it easy in most cases to trust God. Others, and I count myself in this group, have seen hundreds of signs of God’s goodness to humankind as a whole, to friends and family and to ourselves, but we still struggle to trust God completely with our deepest desires, longings and dreams. I know that God is good. I know that God loves me, but these days I struggle to trust that God will provide all the little miracles we need for me to get my visa to stay in the United States the next three years, and for Jeannette to get into a university, and for us to get a cheap (free!) car, etc. I know that God can make all of this happen without breaking much sweat. And I’ve seen countless times how he has come through for me, but still my faith is little these days. My flesh yells that I’m all alone, and God won’t help me. It’s days like these where you (if you can recognize yourself in any of these ramblings…) and I need to hold on to what we know to be true about God. 

I know that I know that I know that I know that I’m God’s son, and I know that he is working out everything for me so I’ll grow and look more like Jesus. I know that he will provide everything we need, and I know that if this crazy plan of Jeannette and I moving to America this summer really is his will, he’ll make sure: that the post people of USA, Denmark and Ukraine do their job so we’ll get our many different documents on time, that the embassy people in Kiev are nice and quick in their processing, that the State of Georgia accepts Jeannette into a college and provide her with enough scholarships to pay for her studies, and he’ll make sure we get a cool, little, cheap car! God is the good guy! 🙂

Torben – still trusting, but thankful that God allows me to doubt and question him! 

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